If It Kills Me
by chernaya vdova
Summary: All I really wanna do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use. But, I still can't say it after all we've been through.


_Well, you and I_

_Why, we go carrying on for hours on end_

_We get along much better_

_Than you and your girlfriend_

She does not know when she realized it. It had to have been a day like any other, where she would show up at the hundred-and-something story building with her black uniform situated around her body and red hair hanging loosely and freely around her pale face. Or, maybe, it had been an undercover day. A day where she was dressed up like any other citizen. Like that time they had been attending a banquet undercover as some newlyweds, and then he had told her she looked stunning, after seeing her in her dress of choice and her hair curled.

And, then, Jessica had come along, and it certainly was not that Natasha did not like Jessica, because, she was simply indifferent to her, as she was to most people. But soon after, long roadtrips and flights across the globe with Clint had become a series of 'Jessica and I went _here, _last week' and 'Jessica said _this _yesterday' until Natasha had finally decided to tell him she could not care less about what damn thing it was Jessica was doing. Therefore, he had mumbled a simple apology, with her proceding to tell him to not worry about it, and the two of them had been back to their normal, secluded chatter and dark humor.

Luckily, that was how things went for awhile; because, well, they practically got along perfectly, on and off the job. Ten years ago, Natasha—or, Natalia, rather, would not have believed you in the slightest if you had told her she would have a best friend named Clint Barton, or any best friend, period, in a decade. But, that is what he is. Her best friend. She could not think of another way to phrase it, except, maybe—

That man that she is probably in love with.

Fast forward a few weeks, and Jessica, of all people, is suddenly cleared to go on a mission with them. They board the jet, the three of them, with Commander Hill and a few other agents and Natasha opts to sit with Maria and another supervisor, in practical silence, and Maria simply gives her a look that is not telling her her company is unwelcome, but one that is totally questioning her actions and sudden change of heart. Natasha does not blame her in the slightest though. And, when Maria barely shoots her a glance, she can practically hear the sound of her saying 'What the hell, Romanoff?'

Natasha lays low around the two of them for the duration of that trip, and goes to grab lunch with Maria and some others during the times she would regularly choose to hide away in a hotel room and spend time with Clint. Mix some of that in with the fact that she requested her own sleeping quarters, where the two of them would usually be fine sharing one room, and you've got a perfect recipe for awkwardness.

Finally, _that _trip is over, and all is forgotten, and they are back to talking for hours at a time, and when Jessica comes up in conversation, Natasha is shocked to learn that today, he has not come up to her with her daily dose that is a tale of 'Jessica did the greatest thing today.' He tells her that they got in a fight and that in the past few weeks, the two of them have not been getting along lately, especially outside of work.

So, she wonders why Clint sticks with this girl if they have such a difficult time agreeing, or meeting halfway. Her lips part slightly, to speak—to _scream _something about how they, the infamous Clint and Nat, get along so wonderfull and then to question why on earth that cannot be as obvious to him as it apparently is to her? But, she settles for hugging his side, barely, and telling him that he will figure things out, that he always does (not one hundred percent the truth, but she is in fact a good liar), and then she buys him coffee on their way to meet some supposedly important people at a SHIELD base.

And, the car ride there and back is composed of their consistent sarcasm and teasing. The whole time there and back, there constant conversing is kept up, and Natassha thinks the entirety of this 'being in love with your best friend' thing is a little too similar to something you would definitely find on an American teen sitcom. She wonders how much longer she will keep up the wall, and prevent him from knowing.

Though, part of her wants him to know.

Somewhere towards the end of the journey back to headquarters, the tone of their talk turns from playful and cynically hilarious to semi-serious, and she does not know when the sudden change of heart kicks in, but she thinks the atmosphere of the vehicle they are side by side in, which has surrendered to a state of serenity and peacefulness after a long day, might just be the right time and place to tell him. She could tell him everything from the beginning until that time he got married and then from Jessica until now. How she was his best friend through all of that, and she wishes she could have been—_can be _more.

And, that, three simple words, would be the end of Clint believing her each time she says that she does not believe in love.

She cannot decide if it is worth it or not.

The volume of the car's interior falls silent for a few brief moments, the only sound being the white noise of the air conditioning running, maintaining the car at a desirable temperature. July's weather causes it to be humid and hot outside, even late at night. The darkness is a comfort to Natasha as she opens her mouth to speak, ready to come clean. She watches, green eyes on him, as he drives. A few more silent minutes pass.

"Clint?" Her voice sounds loud and disruptive, in the quietness that has so easily encircled them.

She watches as his blue eyes flicker towards her, and then look back to the road. "What's up?"

Natasha swears to herself that she can feel her heart beating more clearly than before, and the rhythm of it speeds up in her chest. _"What's up _is that I think I'm in love with you." But, she does not say it. She cannot bring herself to, no matter how hard she tries to force the words out.

"Nothing," she replies, instead, "But, I'm sort of your human GPS for this trip, and I'm running low on caffeine to keep me awake. We should stop off for caffeine at the next place we see."

_If I should be so bold_

_I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand_

_Have you tell me from the start how you've long to be my man_

_But I never said a word_

_I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again_

_All I really wanna do is love you_

_A kind much closer than friends use_

_But I still can't say it after all we've been through_

_And all I really want from you is to feel me_

_As the feeling inside keeps building_

_And I will find a way to you if it kills me_

_I think it might kill me_


End file.
